Head held high, spine straight, chest out, slight sway of the hips and controlled steps, going through life all poised and suave. A real lady doesn’t stumble or fall and paves on the road are rather mythical in her existence. Lesson number one, darling; once you fall they would rather stomp on you than give you a hand.
Adorned by minimum jewel, a single love lock tiffany bracelet, a rose gold and Morganite earrings or simple freshwater pearls. A real lady has no time for too much sparkle or a bling. You are neither a rundown b-list actress with a Botox job gone wrong nor an aspiring rapper from the Harlem with a harem of women. Lesson number two, angel; a real lady has the spotlight on her without being the spotlight. If you shine too much then your man will be left in the shadows. He won’t be fond of that now, will he?
Keep your color pallet to minimum and the prints to polka dots. Navy is too masculine and fuchsia is nauseating. Exchange your spandex to yoga pants, you aren’t the singing men in the subway. Own multiple Juicy couture tracksuits for your morning runs, leave the solid colour nails to the high school cheerleaders and the neighbourhood pariahs, adopt nude nails instead. A real lady should be presentable at any time of the day in any setting and scenario. A slight wrinkle and you will portray yourself as lousy. Lesson number three, sweetheart; they might share the same first letter but lady and lousy are universes apart.
Put your bleached blonde hair in an updo. Why blonde you asked? A brunette is either a bore or miss-goody-two-shoes and a redhead creates a riot. A lady is neither, she entertains when needed and be mischievous once in a while without crossing the lines. So drop the brunette personae and embrace the blonde or even dye your hair black. A real lady is either a Monroe or a Taylor, no middle ground there. You never let your hair down, that will cover your prominent features. If you are tending to your kids, it should be a tight ponytail and if it’s your guests or your man, it should be an updo. Lesson number four, lover; a real lady don’t run around tucking a strand. That is both inconvenient and a habit to be frowned upon.
Your closet is not complete without a pair of Manolo Blahnik satin pumps or a set of Jimmy Choo slingbacks. You can attain an extra sway to the hips only through heels. A real lady just doesn’t own the heels but also walk on the sidewalks of the suburbs as if she is on the runway of fashion week, giving an imperious smile for those who look up to her and pity eyes for those who couldn’t master the walk yet. Ballet flats are so elementary and a tad bit comfortable. Lesson number five honey; comfort is the first step in being plain.
Have a pleasant chit chat with your man associates and their significant others. Mrs. Erikson is oblivious to Mr. Erikson’s infidelity? The recently widowed Ms. Hart is the residence’s Mrs. Robinson? Save these topics for your day at the salon with Marco the hairdresser or your late afternoon tea with Martha the housewife. A real lady can entertain her guests without bringing up a scandal. Lesson number six, dear; you don’t need an eloquent speech to be a conversationalist. Actually, you don’t need to spew your opinions, you keep them to yourself while listening to the others. You are hosting a gala or a ball not a high school debate. A dramatic gasp here, a slight smile there, a “How dreadful!” while discussing the falling stock market and a “How fabulous!” while discussing the Pomeranian puppy that the Erikson’s adopt will suffice.
Detached, cool, unaffected but a bit amused, as if life is whimsical or there is an inside joke that no one is privy to. It will add to your mystery factor. Never let them see you sweat; both literally and figuratively. Either the crow’s feet and the wrinkles that come from a sincere smile or the line of a frown is never a good look. A real lady avoids the blotchy face and the puffy eyes at any cost, even if the price is being callous. Keep your emotions at bay, you are neither a sentimental artist in Basel nor are you a character from ‘La Boheme’. Lesson number seven, sweet chucks; a real lady is an enigma and displaying myriad of emotions is not a way to achieve that.
-Iman. M.A
Illustrations by: Bara Prasilova
Eccentricity and Wit 